Goodbye SanFrancisco...Goodbye Dreams.

If my parents won`t let me dorm,
what makes anyone think, they`ll let me go to AICSF?
"we`re too poor."
Yeah.
That was the biggest reason why I didn`t want to leave hawaii.
everywhere else was so expensive.
i knew i wasn`t going to get any scholarships b/c of my grades.
so, i had to go to chaminade.
...i just want to quit already.
fuck.

All I Ever Wanted: Ode to my Boyfriend.

All I ever wanted was for you to be in my shoes.
See things my way but still hold true to yours.
never wanted to change but to compromise.
never wanted to be exclusive but to be inclusive.

All I ever wanted was of your time.
Whether to call me or to spend time with me.
Despite the long hours, days, even months of seeing your face.
Being with you.
Alone.

All I ever wanted was our happiness.
Our love.
Us in love.
One that defines us  & nobody else.
B/c everyone`s happiness is something unique,
it just sounds similar.

All I ever wanted was you.
Treat me how I treat you now.
As Ms. Alicia Keys says:
"Hold me like you`ll never see me again."

All I ever wanted was you.

Conforming to Everyone`s Happiness.

Its hard telling people that I'm deciding to leave.
Especially my parents.
They're going to think I'm wasting my time
& their money going to school for a year.
And going to a school specifically for what I want to be.

If money is the issue,
I'll finish the semester,
and work the whole spring&summer
just to go to school&to give back the money
my parents wasted.
It doesn't matter.
I'll work for my future as a web/graphic designer.
Its what I love to do.

But why is it that when I try to make a life-changing
decision the ones I think are going to be behind me
fall back?
My support. My inspiration. My motivation.
I always have to work up by myself.
I try to persuade myself that in the end,
it will only make ME stronger.
And it will.

I live to make others happy.
But when I try to be happy,
I always get cut down.
Discouragement. Low Blows.
That's how I restrict myself from breaking through,
because it doesn't make you happy, I'm sorry,
I won't do it anymore even if I want it so bad.

I'm happy.
Don't worry.
With friends, I'm happy.
But all I ever wanted was for
someone to be proud of my decisions.
Especially if it was moving to another school.

I'd rather get another job than have a new car.
I'd rather work for school than have a social life.
I'd rather make sacrafices to make me happy than wishing I could.

I won't say "I don't see you anymore" b/c I wouldn't have time for you.
I won't cry b/c I don't see you anymore b/c I wouldn't have time for you.
I won't break up with you b/c I love you too much to let you go.
I won't let my dreams down b/c you think I'm making a mistake.

I'll do whatever it takes...
even if it means finishing up this semester.

Hopeful for the Next Day.

Climbed onto the bed.
And lied down next to you.
I took her brother into my arms
and cuddled with him.
So soft&adorable.
Then you put your arm around my waist.
I close my eyes.
I feel a peck on my forehead.
I open my eyes to find you awake.
No, you lie sleeping.
I give you a peck on the lips.
And you smile, gesturing another.
We finally sleep.
And drool.
That was our morning.

But the afternoon was a different story.
I lie on your bed once again,
waiting for you to come back from getting food.
I fall asleep.
Then I feel a slap on my ass and that's how I woke up.
I fell asleep as you&Liane ate.
After eating, you once again, slap my ass to wake me up.
I make trouble to you by taking up the whole bed.
Finally, we conform and made our way to sleepy land.
We both lying on our stomach, I facing the wall.
Yet again, hugging her brother.
I feel your arm around my neck.
Your fingers playing with my fingers.
I babily hold on to your thumb.
But you exchange it with your index finger.
Thus we fall asleep.

Will tomorrow be another day?

Changing: Me or You?

Baby.
I don`t know if its me
or if its you but we both
need to set things straight.

You`re not the man
I used to know prior
to you moving in.
You used to be so sweet,
so caring, &&so into me.
Never wanting to hurt me.
Never wanting to make me cry.

Now,
it seems like you
just think about yourself.

Leaving me in the room
by myself so you could
work out.

Ditching me.
More than once.

Not listening to me.

Saying things that hurt me
&&you not realizing.

"I need to do this..."
"I want to do this..."

What about me?

...

But it feels so wrong
to say this because
you still do the good things
you always do.

Walk me to class.
Kiss me before class.
Hug me.
Give me cute things.
Call me baby.

Then again.
It could be my fault too.
Everything.

I always end up
making trouble.

I always end up
starting drama.

I always end up
crying in the end.

I always end up
blaming myself.

I always end up
apologizing.

I always end up
feeling like I`m
angry at nothing.

-------------------

What`s happening?
Does it not phase you
that there IS something wrong?
Are you running away from it?
Do you just not want to deal with it?

or

Am I just going insane?
Am I being dramatic?
Am I really making nothing into something?
Am I crying for nothing?

or

Do I just care too much for the both of us?